Inertia

the end is near – my first year of residency is over in less than 8 weeks. 

(I can’t figure out how to keep writing because that alone is such a big “stand alone” sentence for me. This year has been simultaneously flying and dragging along and the notion that my residency is now nearly 1/3 over means that I may not be stuck feeling like this forever.)

It’s taken me some time to realize that the thing bothering me the most about residency is how little of my “own” time I have. My schedule isn’t my own – if they switch it around and I’m on call, then I have to be on call (and potentially up for 30 hours straight); if they decide I can’t have a day off, then my plans are no longer my own.  

Given that there are still only 24 hours in a day, and I need to sleep at some point in the week, it was only a matter of time before something had to give; this point became clear when I forgot to get back in touch with everyone regarding my application for a fiber workshop scholarship and  didn’t realize until well past the date everything was due. Had I found time to check my email I would have been more on top of it - but email checking is now a “want” and not a ”need” and when time is of the essence, it’s one of the things that goes by the way-side. 

(I still tear up when I re-read those drafted appology emails to Laurie, Cassandra and Kristen – it was something I wanted so much I’ve already put in time off to go – but it fell off my radar screen. I am so sorry I never got back to you and will get back in touch with you soon.)

I am worried that my friends who aren’t doctors see my presumed “dedication” to medicine as a voluntary withdrawal from the fiber circles and activies that helped me to get through medical school; please know that this isn’t the case at all. It’s a lot of work to be friends with me right now – even my family has all but said it’s a one sided relationship at times. My emails are weeks behind and it’s easier to ignore my bloglines subscriptions than to try and find the time to go back, read and keep up.

Even though I am busier than a worker bee, I am lonely.

In a class of 10 residents, I am the only one who is single. I have said over and over again that I don’t have time to be with someone else right now (see: above) and my parents have truely gone above and beyond to help me when I need it. My mom has watched this year unfold and saw first hand how out of control things at home became; laundry piled up, dishes sat in the sink and boxes remained unpacked – simply because I didn’t have the time or energy to take care of things.  At one point, early in a day that would fade into a night on call, my pager went off and my home phone number appeared. I called my house and my mom answered by saying “I am here to help you get organized.  What is off limits?”

Newton’s Laws of Motion state that an object at rest will remain at rest until an outside force is applied.  She was the outside force that helped me tame my out-of-control home, and she has continued to help me see that this “this too shall pass.” My ego stood in the way of asking for help and she did as only a mom can do and saw through what I was saying to act on what I needed.

The rest of this year is going to be busy and chances are good I will continue to be out of range for another 8 weeks. Once my second year begins, however, I will be back. My schedule isn’t my own, but I will have more control over my own time.

thank you for waiting – and for helping me get to this point.