one foot in front of the other…

December, eh?

I’ve started numerous attempts at this post – my first jump back into virtual journal keeping since early summer. When I stopped updating the knitting med student site things were going well: I had moved into the house and was in the process of making it “mine,” was enjoying the extended “welcome to residency” orientation (5 weeks of getting to know each other while spending lazy afternoons at the faculty homes on various lakes, doing paperwork and reviewing lots of things) and life was good.

 And all remained well and good until I realized that the hoop jumping is far from over.

 Add to the mixture that I am exhausted, and it’s made for a few rough months.

 I did a stretch of time that *just barely* met the work hour requirements – in a 25 day time period I had a single day off.  I worked 17 days in a row, and if I was on call (which usually meant being up all night), I’d round on patients in the hospital or see outpatients the next day until 1pm. The rest of my day would be spent sleeping, before I had to get up and go back into the hospital at 6:30am the next morning.

 By the end of that stretch I was questioning what I’d done with my future, and if medicine was really where I wanted to be. (nevermind that I spent 6 of those days having to prove myself over and over again. (that is simply the tiny tip of a very large iceberg that still raises my blood pressure to unhealthy levels.))

I haven’t recovered from the lack of sleep yet, and am frustrated with how my long nights and high patient numbers (seeing 6-8 patients in a three hour time period with very little sleep = hard) was somewhat belittled by my fellow residents. If I hear “but think of all the experience you’re getting!” one more time, I think I will officially lose it. (as opposed to all of the unofficial times I’ve lost it.) If this is a trial by fire, I am officially burned.

 I’ve developed a black cloud – meaning that when I am on call, strange/bizzare and obscure things happen to people who I see in the hospital, and the patient lists were longer than they’d been in months. Between my senior resident and myself, we’d see 12-16 pts a day, admitting and discharging people several times a week. (each admit or discharge creates a lot of paperwork that all needs to be done)

(The list right now for that service, now that I’m not there? It had two people on it yesterday. Two inpatients for the two residents to see. Record lows – but espeically bothersome because two weeks ago we were seeing record highs.)

 In my currently exhausted state I’ve become bitter, and the frighteningly familiar loss of motivation and sense of barely staying afloat - that I remember from my last bouts with depression – is back. I had a meeting scheduled with the residency administrator today, but my current schedule (obstetrics – essentially 24 hours on, 24 hours off, rinse/repeat x 28 days) didn’t take into consideration that my black cloud would follow me into OB, and I didn’t get out of a delivery in time to meet with her. I will reschedule it, and see what sorts of accomodations can be made, but that may or may not help how I am currently feeling.

 (The floor ran out of beds last week because they had so many people come in actively laboring. I did 7 admissions my first night on OB, and was at 5 deliveries on my first 24 hour shift. For this relatively small community hospital, that’s a whole lotta kids.)

I would much rather have written this first post about what I’m knitting (socks, socks, socks) and what I want to knit (things other than socks) and what I need to knit (mittens for me, as my hands are cooooold), but my knitting time has slowly disappeared.

 Please, if you get a chance, knit a few stitches for me. I wish I had time to travel and meet up with people, and,  overall I wish I was in a better space to enjoy the time I do spend with people.  I know that this will pass – it always has – but it’s hard to appreciate that right now.

(more on things that are a bit lighter soon. (that means cat stories and pictures.))